[Rinni]

(Warning: Might be some mature language )

Dear Diary;

You know, I never thought I would hate anyone more than my mother. This week, I was proved wrong. While my mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me, she was always upfront about it. And, for the most part, it usually only affected me. While she did tell others I wasn't her daughter, and while she reminded me how horrible I was, atleast she let me see my sister.

I found out this week that my other grandmother died. I hadn't heard from her in over a year, which had hurt. And obviously, it was blow to hear that one of the people who encouraged me to draw passed away. But then I got a bigger hit. There was a reason I hadn't heard from her. My dad had moved in with her a few years ago; everyone knew that. And for a while, he was writing me letters. Saying how proud he was of me. And, even though I had never met him, I felt closer to him than I did my mom. Yeah, he had his flaws, but he wasn't as bad as her. How fucking wrong I was. He told his side of the family, my grandmother included, that I wasn't his. To the point that none of them felt it necessary to tell me when my grandmother died. My father was taking the letters I wrote to my grandmother, preventing her from reading them as he told her I didn't give a rat's ass about her. He also kept the letters she tried to send to me.... effectively severing any and all contact we had with one another. I have never been this pissed. Or hurt.

What the fuck did I ever do to you? Yeah, we've had our arguments, but what did I fucking do to warrant this?

I know I'm not the prettiest girl. Or the smartest. Or even the most talented. But what in the hell makes me so unlovable that neither parent wants to claim me? Am I really that bad? Am I really that much of a screw-up? I know I mess things up a lot, and that everything I touch goes to hell in a handbasket, but I try! Why can't either of you see that? I try.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I know I should just brush it off, keep smiling, and keep going. But this... this hurt. More than anything my mom has ever done... And I can't really talk to anyone about it because everyone just seems to brush it off as something I can just get over, that I can just bounce back from like I do with everything else. They don't seem to get that I can't. But I try to anyway, faking a smile and trying to be cheerful. It only makes it worse, but it keeps everyone happy. And that's really all I've got at the moment, keeping people happy.

- Rinni