[Umaeril]

This is a very interesting story and quite well written. You caught my attention and you kept it. I agree with the stylistic point of leaving out the "as if" sentence to make the piece a bit cleaner, but that is a small thing. The comment by Suzerain of Sheol regarding the switch in viewpoints made me go back and read it again with that in mind. It had not bothered me on a first read through and on a 2nd go at it I still was not particularly bothered, but it is definitely something to keep in mind when you are so intensely focused on one character. I think you did a real good job on it. I would love to read more.