[Coda]

I've been on the other side of this, and here's a few things I'll say:

First: Don't think that you've done anything wrong. Looking for your own failure is going to leave you empty-handed, because you're not at fault.

Second: Don't be too hard on him. He can't control his depression (believe me, I know) and getting angry at him will only add stress, which just makes the problem worse.

Third: As a man, if he cares about you, he may (consciously or subconsciously) be trying to protect you by not exposing you to his own problems.

If he's anything like me (and it sounds like it), he cares about you a lot, but he lacks the skills to be really good about showing it. The depression is REALLY hard to work with and I'm sure he's as unhappy about how you feel as you are.

The "WE have a problem" approach really doesn't work as well as the self-help guides make it sound. And you want to be careful not to smother him.

What DOES tend to work is quietly helping him do the things you need him to do. If you feel he's not helping enough, don't tell him "don't forget to clean the kitchen", but rather "can you do it right now?" -- better yet, "can you help me clean the kitchen?" gives you the opportunity to be together focusing on the same task. (Edit: Do this when it's actually REASONABLE for him to do it.) If you feel like he doesn't talk to you enough, start conversations with him, about anything at all. In other words, if you need something from him, get him started on it, because in the position he's in it's very hard to be self-starting. If you keep this up, he'll start working these good things into his habits and you won't have to prod him as much.

I know that takes a lot of patience, and a lot of time, and it's stressful, but it does work.