[Espy]

I don't frequent this part of the forum, but...there're things I have to let out, so...

It's fine if you don't comment or anything; I'm doing this mostly to get stuff off my shoulders.

...Yeah.

Today my mom decided to clean my room. I've told her many times over that I like my organized mess. Her reply to that was that she pays the rent, so she'd like for the house to be as clean as possible. My counter was that the room being messy doesn't equal higher rent.

But that's not my main problem.

I'm not sure if you all can tell by my personality, but I hate it when people flip through my notebooks. My mom flipped through mine because apparently "there was a drawing on the page that was open and I wanted to know what you're doing in class." REGARDLESS. If she wants to know, she has to ask me. I'm not a kid. Those are my notebooks.

When I tell her that flipping through other people's private property is technically illegal, she says, "Ok, so sue me. I'm paying your tuition, so I've the right to go through your notebook."

...Yeah. Sure.

So she's found that I have drawings on pretty much every fourth or fifth page. And there are explicit drawings in there, too, which I was planning to get rid of the coming weekend. Obviously I denied that those were by my hand, pushing it off the a few friends who she doesn't know, but knows I teach (in terms of drawing style). And then by the time the argument gets there, she's yelling that she doesn't want me to go down the wrong path and I'm yelling that I'm not that screwed up to have explicit crap dominate my mind every single second.

Then she says I should go to art school and not major in Mech E. How many times have I told her that that's a freaking possibility? I've also told her that art school would have to wait until after I finish college and major in Mech E, so that I've a solid foundation and won't have too many issues with a steady income. It's a bit late to tell me to go to art school, don't you think?! I don't have a portfolio, it was the first idea you turned down, it's not my first choice, the deadline's already past. And she tells me I should finish freshman year and transfer to art school, and forget about Mech E.

Ok. I'm not sure this is obvious, but...art and Robotics are both very, very important to me.

Art...if I don't draw, I'm like a timed bomb. And you don't want to know what happens when that bomb goes off. Just because my notebooks have a ton of drawings in them, it doesn't mean that drawing is causing my grades to drop. Don't. Make. Assumptions.

I hate it when people can't respect why I draw. I don't care so much for the drawing themselves; people can hate on those all they want. But drawing is a way of life for me. It's how I get my ideas out.

I try to tell mom that most of those drawings were done at lunch, for the sake of calming her down. That...didn't work. Instead she yells at me, "Why don't you do homework, then? Everyone else, everyone who actually works hard unlike you, they all grab as much time as they can to do homework and study!"

...Lunch is my only break. Forty minutes. When else does she expects me to draw?

"Ok, fine! Then you can draw, starting now, and just keep drawing until the end of summer! You don't even need to do any homework!"

And then she storms out of the house. And turns her phone off after a few more calls. I'm really worried about her for a few certain reasons, one of which is my last three words, "I hate you."

...Yeah.

I don't know.

My dad understands, a least a bit, I think, as to what I'm trying to get through to my mom.

...I really don't know anymore. Before my dad called, I had taken all my more inappropriate drawings, scribbled black ink over most of them, and tried to burn them. Just one sheet nearly set off the fire alarm, so I contented myself with soaking the rest and ripping them up, then setting the mess down on the kitchen counter with the burnt one one top.

......I seriously don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm scared shitless of fire, so...I don't know why I did that.

I'm still really worried about my mom.

......

I don't want to call her, but I need to know if she's okay, and her phone's off, and I don't know what to do.