[Lauv Keiko]

Well, a good friend of our family (was a pastor) died a week ago and yesterday was the last vigil...there were a lot of people; because, well, he's a pastor and he knew a lot of people. I went with my dad because I wanted to see for myself ((I have a hard time believing deaths in family and friends, so yeah, confirmed it last night)) anyways, it was very very awkward last night. I don't really know why it was awkward...but I had the feeling that I need to escape. Maybe because there were a lot of people and the atmosphere was just depressing...and I for a fact know how quickly I get depressed, I felt the need to leave, but I didn't leave yet..the widow offered me some food, so I had to eat, I was hungry myself. Then there were these two guys who worked for the old man; I was serving myself some chicken and beef and they were standing behind me, one of them said, "Imma go eat, I'm really hungry...Look at her (pertaining to me), she doesn't need to eat, but she's gunna eat." and the other laughed... I was pissed off...but I had to let it go. Then I said to myself, "Even though I'm this big, I'm still human and I need food."
I almost cried, but then I realized, I finished college with flying colors, I have a great job and a much better life than they have, so I won't stoop to their level. I mean, they could joke around, it's fine...they can laugh at me, it's okay...but in that specific occasion? there was a dead man and they have the guts to insult and make fun of other people? Especially to those who were really close with the man. I mean, wtf.
It didn't help the awkward feeling, it just made it worse and today's the burial (interment, whatever), my dad dragged me with him but he knows I didn't wanna go because of all the shit-faced and fucktards I know I'd see, but he's the dad and I have no power D:
When we arrived there, the first feeling I got was TOTAL ESTRANGEMENT. LIKE LITERALLY. I know the place all too well, I see a lot of people that I know, but I was totally freaking LOST. I felt so uncomfortable to the point of crying. I got the feeling of needing to escape once again. My anxiety turned into anger. I felt that I went to a place where I don't belong and I hated myself for "butting" myself in.
I kinda think I felt that way because of what happened last night, that eating the food prepared by the family for the visitors and those two assholes treating me like a leech because of what I did.
I've never been anxious in crowds before, ever. It was the first time that it happened and it was worse than being drunk. I couldn't think well, all I did was find a corner to hide from other people, it was like a really bad dream, I avoided eyes and touch, I felt naked.




Please tell me I'm not alone in this kind of experience >A<