[Hex]

Originally Posted by Funkduder

You couldn't have picked a better time to post that because I'm quite afraid of that myself.

I know too much about fear to rationalize any fear...but yet I'm very afraid. I can list out a lot of them that seem weird, like driving and the silence in the dark and the music in scary movies (at least in comparison to the actual movie it's really disproportionate) but I think I fear myself more than anything. It won't matter that I say it hear as much so I might as well admit that I see myself as a monster of my own creation. I'm afraid of hurting people, disappointing others who might depend upon me, helping others to do the wrong thing, and most of all I'm afraid of winning if it means that the other person has to truly suffer the loss. It's almost like the same sort of fear that drives me away from embracing my friends and confessing that I might like them as more than friends. I don't want to drive people away because doing so would mean I am alone, but asking and being rejected (which seems to be the normal reaction that I get) would result in a disappointing feeling in myself that continues to nag at me when I see them look at me in disgust. It's like they see me as something worse than scum even though I know that it's probably not true (otherwise they wouldn't be hanging around me). Though it may not have been a problem before, I think I'm growing paranoid from this, which is why I'm dubbing it a "phobia" because as my fears become realized time and time again, I feel driven from happiness and forced to sit in solitude, but I know that's not true...which is why it's a phobia...

I know exactly what you mean by becoming your own enemy. I can say from personal experience that if you learn to accept failure ad a chance to progress and a lost friend as a spot for a new one you will become happier...easier said than done I suppose. I have only recently learned to accept failure, but it still frightens me. If I cannot control the outcome of a situation I fear it getting out of hand and hurting myself or worst the people I love. but if we do not learn to face our fear we will sit alone in silence...meaning it still would have won, even if we didn't experience the possible disaster.

My favorite clamp character of all time is often quoted saying "There is no such thing as a coincidence in this world, there is only the inevitable." Yuuko-San

If we learn to believe that our choices are not always in control of what happens I find that it is easier for myself to accpept failure...I hope this helped you in some way!