[Funkduder]

Originally Posted by MandaChaos

I am scared of losing control.

You couldn't have picked a better time to post that because I'm quite afraid of that myself.

I know too much about fear to rationalize any fear...but yet I'm very afraid. I can list out a lot of them that seem weird, like driving and the silence in the dark and the music in scary movies (at least in comparison to the actual movie it's really disproportionate) but I think I fear myself more than anything. It won't matter that I say it hear as much so I might as well admit that I see myself as a monster of my own creation. I'm afraid of hurting people, disappointing others who might depend upon me, helping others to do the wrong thing, and most of all I'm afraid of winning if it means that the other person has to truly suffer the loss. It's almost like the same sort of fear that drives me away from embracing my friends and confessing that I might like them as more than friends. I don't want to drive people away because doing so would mean I am alone, but asking and being rejected (which seems to be the normal reaction that I get) would result in a disappointing feeling in myself that continues to nag at me when I see them look at me in disgust. It's like they see me as something worse than scum even though I know that it's probably not true (otherwise they wouldn't be hanging around me). Though it may not have been a problem before, I think I'm growing paranoid from this, which is why I'm dubbing it a "phobia" because as my fears become realized time and time again, I feel driven from happiness and forced to sit in solitude, but I know that's not true...which is why it's a phobia...