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Suzerain of Sheol 05-11-2011 08:21 PM

Suze Poetry
 
I'll be using this thread to post some of the poems I've written. Comments are very welcome, as is criticism. I love being criticized. I must be a masochist. :p

I wrote these two in creative writing today (while ignoring the teacher's banal assignment).

My poems tend to be not very direct. I don't like just stating what I'm trying to say. It actually bothers me when I hear/read poems that need no dissection to be understood. Admittedly... I may go too far, at times.

Beyond Recall


Choking on Roses

Suzerain of Sheol 05-13-2011 12:42 AM

One of my more religiously-themed poems, and also one of my favorites.

Thaumatology


Suzerain of Sheol 05-13-2011 04:25 PM

I just found this buried on my hard drive. I can't even remember when or why I wrote it, but I like it, as short as it is. Sort of prose poem.

A Mirror for the Stars

Suzerain of Sheol 05-14-2011 01:47 PM

A couple more, religious themed again, though fairly twisted.

Salvation



Cardiophage


Quiet Man Cometh 05-14-2011 07:52 PM

Hi there! Read through some of your poems last night but my brain wasn't working so well so I ran away from the longer ones. I will state though that "Choking on Roses" was the title that caught my attention the most.

I was intrigued by "A Mirror for the Stars," but ultimatley I couldn't focus on it well because -and here's my gripe- the "Time is relative" just screams cliche' to the point where it bounces me right out of the poem. One, I'm not sure how it fits into the poem at all given that the perception of time doesn't seem to be a major point, and two, I have no idea how relative time connects to remnants of any kind. Blah! Don't get it. It's also a little annoying in the sense that it's this sort of 'no &@^$' line in the middle of an otherwise fairly interpretive poem.

Okay, so that's wasn't as civil as I normally am but that really was my first impression of that particular phrase. Otherwise, I did like the lines and ideas, particularly the first half sentence at "stones."

Suzerain of Sheol 05-14-2011 08:03 PM

I'm curious as to whether you mean "caught my attention" positively or negatively. I was iffy on using that title.

As for the rest, well, for one thing, I seem to have gotten confused. I meant to post a different prose poem, I've never been terribly fond of that one. I wrote it on a whim in class and never really went back to it.

And I understand what you're saying. I'm not even sure what I meant by that line. The two clauses don't seem to fit together at all, and it's trite and, as you said, obvious, while at the same time making little sense.

As a very simple fix, what immediately springs to mind is to reword it to "Time is a fractured frieze..." though that still leaves it feeling somewhat disconnected from the rest. I'll have to think on it.

Thanks for commenting. :)

Quiet Man Cometh 05-14-2011 08:21 PM

Ah, yes. I'd say the title caught my attention in a good way. In one part, it's the usual contrast between pretty roses and choking nastiness, and as far as poetry titles go, it's graphic and direct, rather than vague or smokey with efforts to be mysterious. It made me curious to read it, though as I said, I ran away from the length. I will get to it, really!

"Fractured freeze" works better, but I'm not entirely sure what role time has in the poem in general. I'll have to read it again with a little attention on the rest of it.

Suzerain of Sheol 05-14-2011 08:24 PM

I wouldn't bother looking to deeply into 'A Mirror for the Stars,' if I was really going to work on it, I'd expand it to fit the concept of that line in better.

Suzerain of Sheol 05-15-2011 11:32 PM

Brachiation

Suzerain of Sheol 05-17-2011 02:43 PM

Ah, found it. This is the prose poem I meant to post above.

Savor This

Quiet Man Cometh 05-18-2011 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suzerain of Sheol (Post 657686)
I wouldn't bother looking to deeply into 'A Mirror for the Stars,' if I was really going to work on it, I'd expand it to fit the concept of that line in better.

No discouraging people from reading into poetry! :p Comes with the territory of being a poet. ;)

Suzerain of Sheol 05-18-2011 11:49 PM

Well, yeah, I'm just saying, if you read too much into that one, you're likely not to find anything too special. :p

8bit 05-19-2011 12:26 AM

ur poetry is awesome! aha makes me want to write one now, but i'm not soo good at it xD

Suzerain of Sheol 05-19-2011 12:29 AM

Oh, thank you. I have more, I just haven't gotten around to digging it out of the recesses of my hard-drive yet.

Quiet Man Cometh 05-19-2011 02:47 AM

Practice can do a lot, Sakura. Sounds funny but one doesn't have to be brilliant at poetry from the get go. My old stuff is generally cringe-worthy but I did gradually refine what I did and work out what I liked best about writing and stuff got better.

I suppose I could share too, so that it's not so lonely out here. I'm really not sure if I should post on other threads that have been around so long. Are they considered dead?

Suzerain of Sheol 05-19-2011 08:27 AM

I assumed they were dead, but what do I know? :p

Anyway, for me, I still keep the first poem I ever wrote in my "Poems I like" folder, but the next... 30 or so are all very firmly in "Poems I Don't Like" awaiting cannibalization whenever I see fit.

I guess I can include it here. It's certainly not my favorite, but I don't hate it. It's a bit more direct than I usually am, though, and seems a bit... grasping. Pretentious, maybe? Hedging cliche? I don't know.

Flight


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