Words that Won't Flow
 

Since i have been frequating the poems threads and commenting on them I have decided to re-enter the world of poetry. Beware Oh, world. It opens imediatly for critique.

Fading Vision



Garden of Roses



Now start telling me if ya like it or not.

A Fire's Will


Golden Platter

Are people shy? I would like to know what you think of my poems, if you don't like them tell me, and then tell me why. As long as you aren't rude I would love your feedback even negative feedback.

was waiting for you to finish posting

Oops sorry. It is an ongoing thing and I was going to update it as I wrote more. That is what I get for assuming people get this without writing it down.

sorry, though, the first one, the way the first and second line are set they read better as a single line

You're talking about 'Fading Visions' right? I have made note of that, and thank you for stopping by.

yes, though oddly i feel like i am being shooed away *hurries out of door*

Fading Realms (Based off the RP idea slightly)

actually it sounds like it could be our rp too in places hahaha though all those changes are internal

Was not thinking of it that way, but now you point that out I can see it.
Another poem, what?! Jeez I have no life...

Goodbye


The Epilouge


And yet more...

Broken Beast


No such Thing as Heroes.

I should warn you the poems in this post have some disturbing content read at own risk. It is not M rated more like Pg 13.



Mirror, Mirror



Be Human, Again.



Dead Like Me



Pefect Words



False Fantasy

haha, i only have one poem myself and it's old and unfinished to boot haha

Winged


And this one I found from three years ago. It says something when your poetry style has not changed in three years. It was a school poem about your mind.

Not Yours

Since you asked for feedback, I'll note first off that I noticed several spelling errors, just in glancing through a couple of your poems. You'll want to fix those, they're even more glaring in poetry than in prose and tend to tarnish the entire poem when they crop up.

Otherwise, though, I don't have time at the moment to do a thorough read-through, but from what I can tell, your style is very direct, to the point where, in a lot of places, it feels just like words on a page, not even poetry. (That's a bad way of putting it, since poetry is such a nebulous term, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

Also, I'll just throw this out there, but I don't see much overall meaning to many of these, beyond the personal. Personal poems are fine and all, but showing them to other people is almost always pointless, because no one can see things from your specific perspective. The challenge in writing a meaningful poem is to take something personal and make it universal, so that the poem transcends your specific experiences and thereby gains a meaning of its own. Which is rather difficult to accomplish.

And, just to throw it out there, there's something to be said for being cliche. There's so much saturation in poetry anymore that it's nearly impossible to do something original, but a lot of your lines just sound tired and generic. The constant "I" references don't exactly help, either. (Even if you're not referencing yourself, when it shows up that often in your work, it can make it look like you are.)

And... that's all I have time for right now. I may take a closer look some other time when I get a chance. If I had to make some quick suggestions for improvement, I'd say try to word things with a little more flair, getting away from the typical descriptions and challenging the reader a little more. Also, maybe try to be less direct and layer what your trying to say a bit more, though not everyone appreciates that in poetry. But even still, there should always be something more beyond the first, obvious, apparent meaning, even if that apparent meaning functions perfectly well on its own.

Thank you for your input, Suzerian. I am working on those spelling errors, and I'll definatly keep those tips in mind. I hope you get time to critique them more thoroughly.