The miserable and reluctant realization that (I've probably been intentionally avoiding) that no matter what manner of wellness things and health boosts that I try to do, I'm never going to be a healthy person, and that my live situation right now is not conducive to getting a dog. :(

I think this is my first Easter not spent celebrating with family, since I'm either separated or estranged from everyone now lol. a little sad

I have a decent amount to get off my chest so here I go, hoping this is the right place to do so.
In less than two weeks I'm going to have to either go to a family meeting thing or seem like a complete a-hole by not going considering it's for remembering a member who died but like...I don't have any memories of him? I feel like I met him once and now I get to deal with my transphobic ass family.

I've also lately just been feeling not...stable? Not good to put it as lightly as possible. In the mental health department I've been needing to talk to my doctor lady about the possibility that I might have bpd, though it's a hard topic to bring up. But I've been getting worse and isolating myself from everyone, haven't been wanting to do literally anything. It's all become hard, everything has become so hard.

Final thing is that I have reason to believe I might be lithromantic, which is a form of aromantic for those who don't know. This in itself isn't a bad thing but someone I know recently told me they think they're aromantic to some extent. Which also isn't bad but my thoughts make me think that if I tell them they'll think I'm copying them because of someone thinking I copied them being trans before but like...I don't know. Logic believes they won't think that but I'm still terrified and have been avoiding talking to them about it. Which isn't hard in itself due to being in an isolating state again but it hurts at the same time.

Anyways, here's Wonderwall.
Sorry for the essay ;;

Wonderwall was on the radio today...

Sounds like depression there, dirky. People are here are generally pretty chill with things like that. I've been feeling a little unstably myself. I've found a community mental health center that I've started talking with, to see what they can do.

it's a good song, I have it on my spotify

also I am diagnosed with depression, my town just kind of sucks for things like therapy
I've been meaning to try looking into a different local counselling center but I've been too busy and drained to even properly care for myself let alone do stuff outside of work

I almost got hit today by an idiot in a van that thought it was a good idea to go 60-65 in a hilly highly populated residential area, oh did I mention the speed limit was 45 and the only reason they didn't hit me was because I have ocd about double checking even as I'm pulling out to the main road for like the 4th time.

It feels warm to me today and I wish it was colder. x_x On top of that random small things got on my nerves today. Just hope tomorrow's better.

It feels like my body is crumbling apart at the lower back and hips
I'm at the point where I'm afraid to take painkillers because it's every goddamn day, all the goddamn time and I can't even afford to go to the damn doctor

I would advise doing some low-impact exercises, especially stretches. If you can build up strength in that area it'll help with the pain. Massage therapy also has a pretty good track record for that kind of pain, if you (quite reasonably) don't want to rely on painkillers.

I second that! Just started massage therapy for my shoulders and neck that like to seize and get ridiculously tight. It helped out quite a bit for a few days. I know what it actually feels like to have those muscles relaxed now!

The crummy part is that the place books a lot and I cant get in again for another month and a bit. Poo.

Feels like I might be getting a migraine.
Hopefully I can get to some tylenol soon.

the ROI on my memes aren't looking too good. i need to sell sell sell! but no one's buyin smh

My living room ceiling has water damage from a leaky roof. Which means submitting a maintenance request. And stangers in my apartment to fix it. Most likely while I'm not there. Which means I'll be paranoid that they'll leave the door open and my cats will escape and run away.

I woke up in more pain than usual and forgot to being meds with me and I'm stuck out for 9 more hours. I have no money for the shit in the school store. I may die today.

getting out of bed is getting harder each day
the family meet up is coming up too fast for my liking
my bank went into overdraft which it hasn't done in 7 months and I hate it
I keep forgetting I owe the government around 150 before I can collect taxes and the date to get it in before they start charging interest is coming up fast
I've been tempted to move back with my dad but know for my own I guess safety I can't plus my uncle is living with him now there's no room
I've pretty much become an emotionless shell of myself that just goes through the motions of the day then sleeps

bit the inside of my cheek again UGH