it's not supposed to be this fucking cold in the middle of APRIL.

i was thinking a week or so ago that i wasn't supposed to be sweating in bed in april.

crikey.

also tfw you enter a salt tag for a specific showrunner, only to find that he may or may not have a role lined up for a known transphobe, after making a transfem character in a previous special for that show. god damn it.

Really want to scream about the hypocrisy of bosses. Like, I get where my boss is coming from,but also, like....aagh!

So today we're a little short staffed, but I needed to run a book cart down to the basement so it isn't in the way. My next on the clock off-desk time isn't until like 3 or 4pm. So my logic is: at last 5-10 min of shift, run cart down to basement (and like, I was literally gone probably less than 2 minutes. very quick) so cart isn't in the way for the next 3ish hours, then run back up.
So I run cart down to basement, literally run back up the stairs and boss is all "you need to do that in your off desk time, (insert coworker here) got really busy while you were gone"
She had 1 person waiting in line as she checked 1 other person out. Not really what I'd call busy...
And like, okay sure, there's no one to use as backup for phone calls (other than literally 2 people at the reference desk), and no backup for the pickup window for a couple minutes, but would she say the same thing if I had run down to the bathroom? What if waiting until off desk time means someone ends up peeing their pants or something? Still gonna say the same thing, save it for your off desk time? (Yeah, that's kind of an extreme example, but still.)
And I know damn well if I left my cart sitting there, she'd complain about me leaving it lying around. Ugh.

I mean overall, she's a great boss, but when she's in a bad mood, it's suddenly everyone's problem and it drives me nuts.

self harm cw


anyways, if my brother wakes me up to demand for my help in something again, i swear to god.

is it any surprise as to why i fucking snapped at him? i don't like phone calls, and he calls me up, on my mobile phone, to demand for my fucking help, because CLEARLY i'd know what to do on a fucking ESA form despite the fact that Universal Credit sick benefits are different from ESA. ESA is the old system. I'm on the newer fucking system.

'oh, you know what to do, you're going to let us go fucking poor and we'll lose the house'.

i only barely remember shit because my memory frequently fails when i'm getting fucking yelled at, but apparently he was talking to me normally (that is, without an ounce of respect and demanding that the world bow to him, and why am i sleeping at this time of day [roughly lunchtime] because my sleeping schedule should be normal as i am clearly normal and not at all like him).



i'm too scared to even step foot in my childhood home that i'll be inheriting eventually. even if it's to go and see if my cat is still alive because semilina is dead now and it's coming up to that time where she died (mid-summer, July 2nd, 2023.)

i can't escape from this. when will i become a diamond? i was always destined to distort.