And I return!.... to a wall of text. Holy shit.

Sorry, I had to start getting ready for work, so this is probably going to be my last post for tonight until I log on at work (about an hour after I arrive, so midnight mountain time).

Oh man, well hopefully she's okay and comes back for the finished story one day.

I actually have no problems talking about it, and I've done presentations on what's it's like to be transgender in our world in both my Psychology of Gender and College Biology classes during the past two semesters to help people understand the best I can. Sometimes I just white-text it online, I don't know why. Best of luck to your ex in working it all out. :D

Yeah, it frightens me to look back at some of those times. I'm glad Sarah was there to keep you from drowning like that.

Oh my. Well, I'm glad he helped you to become better, and his memory helps you even now. Just keep fighting to be better. :D

Yeah, it is hard, but it's good to hear that you're still trying. I'm not very good at advice, but I can always lend an ear if you want/need to talk. :D

Well, that time has come while I was typing. I should start shutting down and getting my lappy ready to head for work. Love to all of you. Bye for now. :D

Batty; o_o I see wall too. A

Aww Helsinki you're too kind. TT__TT I am mad at him for what he did, but what can i do? Being mad at him isn't going to do any good. But it is strange. It's like people who get better, suddenly snap or something. I'll never really understand it. Nor am I sure I want to. I just wish he came and talked to me about the situation. You know? But I shouldn't go on about that. It's in the past and all I can do is continue living and enjoying life like he once told me to.

kaunsenkeli; I don't have a problem discussing it. It's more the issue that she doesn't seem to like my writing or my sources. I get tired of this. i changed my topics three times because of her. The final change was literally just three days before the proposal was due.

Battybby; WELCOME BACK. -clings- I is having a night. xD;; And we're getting into deep shit. <3

-runs off to respond to the walls of text mentioned-

Hehe, Harly is known for her very well thought out walls of text.

I just wish I wasn't so lazy, I'd do it too!

I'm not sure I ever really have much to say to create such a wall of text? I've been told I am laconic.

I may go here in a moment. I need to make up my cue cards for my presentation tomorrow. -Whines lightly.- I'm freaking nervous of how this class grade will turn out.

Enkeli; Well first. Have fun at work! :) And please come back!

I hope so too but... the prediction isn't good.

Oh all right. It's just hard navigating through that with people. You never know what's going to trigger someone. I've learned that I've used a lot of pronouns and words and been offensive when I haven't meant to be and just. I've now become really careful about it.

So far it's going good. I have permission to talk about. They want to loose some weight first and then move more into the public aspect. I help them on the sexual side but we're working on them becoming comfortable in their own body.

I am too. Just... to many nights. Like, I'm never against drug use. I gen. recommend people try shrooms at least once in their life. It won't let you hide from your problems. I felt so much clearer the night after. But yeah. Lucky to have her.

It's... hard. And it will always be. But... I don't want to shame his memory if nothing else. :)And it's always good to have someone just to verbal vomit to. I've noticed... the more I talk about it, the better I am. I had no one to talk to for a year about Jon's death and even then it was a few mentions here and there that I did. Hell, 99% of the people in my life didn't even know it happened. But it helps to talk. Doesn't matter if the other person knows what to say, 'cause you can talk it out and think and work yourself because you think about your words. And every time it gets better.

-cuddles Harlotbby-

So...many....words.

-Falls over.- Okay, I have to do those damn cue cards!

Wish me luck guys! I'm going to go do this and sleep. Night guys!

Battybby; I've been drinkin' whiskey so I'm in a chit chatty mood. I like that you think I'm clever. <3 Makes me feel awesome 'cause I respect your opinion so much. :) But yay! Batty's back. Oh, and your box may arrive a bit late 'cause knitting things takes friggin' forever!

Lio; Not at all. I'm just realistic and straight forward. :] It's gotten me called a bitch a few times but I don't BS. Ever. As a rule. You're accountable for everything that comes out of your mouth.

But just remember. It's okay to be angry. Jon... he was a coke dealer out in Dallas. Made a great life for himself. [/ also; always there's the "well he dealt and used so he had it coming but no. It's not that simple.] This guy... had an abusive dad. Got cut off and had to make a living. His... second? First? year of college his lil' sis killed herself. A few years later his fiance overdoses on heroin with their 6-8 month baby. He finds her. Two-three years later, his best friend dies in a car accident. And somehow... fuckin' somehow, this guy could still get up and give a damn about other people. And smile. And just. He left his entire life, the only life he knew to move to Cali to take care of his mom. Got real people jobs. And just... what i was getting to. Was. "I just wish he came and talked to me about the situation". Like... he quit dealing for a bit. But... he didn't want to put his momma in a nursing home and wanted the best for her. It was 800-2000 a month. Knowing him, he went full price. So fine, he could do that but there was still living expenses. Just... why the hell didn't he talk to us/me? Why didn't he fuckin' say I'm in trouble instead of getting shot down and being dumped in a river. Worse; the guy that shot him; apparantly they'd been watching the fucker for awhile. So I know, know it had something to do with dealing. And just... if he'd needed help he should've just fuckin' told me.

--
On the tattoo's, thank you! They're my babies. :) We can have a full tattoo convo about what it's like to be tatted up and the bits you said but I think you're poofing so I'll just bring it up next time! :)

-returns-

Hmmm, yeah. :(

Yeah, it can be a minefield with a lot of people. I'm generally difficult to offend, though, so I'm up for talking. The few times I've spoken on it in my classes, it's been well received (luckily). I guess I started because it seemed that helping people to understand what it's like was the best thing I could do in the fight for equality. :)

That's awesome that you're there to help them. I was already approaching a year and a half in transition before I started making friends in my area, so I had to get by on my own. It can only get easier with supportive friends, and family if one is lucky enough. My best wishes to them in their journey.

I don't think I ever tried shrooms when I was trying drugs a number of years ago. Probably because I didn't see much chance of an OD with them (hurts to admit that I used to chase that; how I managed to fail at finding it I'll never know).

I can only imagine how hard it must be, but I'm glad talking about it helps you and I'll be glad to help even if listening is all I can do. :)

Edit: -reads the whole story- Wow, that's a lot of misfortune for one life. Anybody who says he deserved what he got just doesn't understand. :(

@Lio- Good luck!

Welcome back! Glad you are 'cause I just made pizza with my bff and will be up for a bit. :) [/ using special double postage privalages in this thread just cause I wanted to let you know I'm here, just gimme two bits to respond, if you don't reply before I make my next post.]

Thank you! Pizza is always good (I'll probably be ordering some for my lunch in just a bit). :D

Enkeli; I love you so much for that stance. 'Cause I used to be on a forum. And I'm a cis female, and I'm happy being that. I am. I'm proud of my gender and my sex, it just happens to match up, ya know? And people on the forum got pissed about that. It was LGBT+ forum, and there was a picture thread. And I rem. I would every so often pots pics and this woman would ... make me feel lesser ( she was mtf) and just... like I didn't belong. And I'm bi, and lordy have I been ostracized by the gay online community because I prefer men and I'm cis. I know not all communities are like this, but I've had to jump through so many hoops and have been yelled at for so many words that I didn't know were "wrong" and painted a devil. x.x So I'm paranoidly careful about terminology.

That's super awesome special sauce bad ass that you could do that AND be well received. :)

It sucks that you had to do it by yourself. It always helps to have someone there. I knew a, and lord I don't even know if I can use certain words 'cause on the forum I was on they grilled it into my head that you never get to call say that they're transitiong, you don't get to say as someone who's not that this is what's happening and I still don't know how to talk about my own experiences respectfully without pissing just about everybody off. I'm not going to mention the one I was wanting to because I still don't know what's okay; but. Currently, she, (the one I was mainly talking about who has given me permission) still identifies as a female because she's not ready to, and scared to make the extra. One of the reasons is the obession about public image. And again, I asked for permission and she's okay with it, but she's got big o'l bitties and the she wants to loose weight to the point where she can wear a binder and be perceived as male. She gave me permission to mention it, but she's [and she still prefers to use that pronoun] only starting out realizing that it's okay to branch out and feel like you need to develop into a different shape of a body. Because I get it, yeah I'm good where I'm at, but I get it. (I did try and ask for advice from someone and they got so pissed, and angry at me for using 'she' so I... I'm scared sometimes to get into a talk about it because I don't know all the right words. [/ going to continue but I just burned my hand on the oven]

Enkeli . 2; I do get that self-destructive behavior thing. I'm pretty sure we could spend days talking about this and the stories you have to tell. My time line went (and NO, not all of these are bad, this is just how I went in my life) drinking-cigs- weed (and I will say; advocate for legalization) - ecstasy, cocaine, shrooms, acid. So... If you ever want to chit chat about ANYTHING. I've been most places. Not everywhere, but most places.

But... shrooms. The first night was friggin' WILD. I mean holy hell I have a story about that night. But it was the first night I said good bye to Jon, broke me apart, and I still haven't let go. But it helped me deal with him loving me and being gone.

Thank you; because I... it helps. I was taught as a kid that I didn't matter, and that my opinion didn't matter. So I have a hard time talking a and b. This mofo. Just.... yeah he was handsome, but I didn't fall in love with the looks (I can legit say that too, not just a pretty romance story. No. He lived so far away. Didn't get the chance to fall in love with his LOOKS because he had to take care of his mom). And what kills me, is that he HATED himself so much. He thought every one of those deaths was his fault.

[/quick cig and oh lord my hand is burning. Oven imprint.]

You see, I just don't understand people like that. In the transgender community, there are folks who are so uptight about things that they've been known to ostracize even other trans-folks if they stray from this person's narrow definitions of things. It's always destructive. For example, there are a lot of transsexuals who try to keep those in our community who are sex workers of any form in some other little pigeonhole, regardless of how they ended up in that position. I don't give a single flying fuck if someone does porn/stripping/whatever because they want to or if they do it because they felt they had no other choice. They are human, they are trans, and they need support. I've heard stances like this jokingly called "trannier-than-thou" attitudes.

I also don't get people who rag on bisexuals. I'm a lesbian, myself, but that doesn't mean that bisexual folks don't exist. To claim this is just bizarre and damages our community, but I know at least a few people who feel that way. Nobody should be made to feel unwelcome in these forums except those who are just there to berate everyone for being LGBT+, be they straight, cisgender allies, someone who is bi, or a lesbian transwoman like myself.

Yeah, the reception I've gotten both times has amazed me. I was expecting someone in my biology class to say something, but every kept quiet and listened. In my psych class, though, a young woman asked me after class if I minded getting a hug from her. I've been so lucky thus far, and I keep wondering how long that luck will last.

Yeah, it wasn't easy, but a year after I moved away to Colorado (and a year after I had come out of the closet) I got some help in the form of my parents finally coming around to full support. That was such a huge help, to know they were there to talk if I needed them, that I had a home to return to if things went too far south (which they did once), and money if they could manage it. That was a gigantic help, but I still should have tried harder to make some friends (there are no support groups where I am, being out in the boonies).

Hmmm, the public image thing is one of the harder hurdles to clear. I know that took me a while. Some come right out at the start of transitioning physically, others hang back a bit. I'm really having trouble with this bit, but if they still want you using the female pronouns nobody else has the right to yell at you for doing so. I know little of binding from the ftm folks I've known, but I can imagine sizable breasts would wreak havoc with it (and be hella-uncomfortable).

Burned hands are never fun. :( -looks over the scars she got as a pro cook- Hopefully it heals quickly without scarring.

I haven't really talked much about my old self-destructive habits, but you'll be the first one I come to so we can trade "war stories." :)

That sucks! Nobody should be told that they and their opinions don't matter, much less raised to believe that. I'm so sorry to hear that he blamed himself for all that. :(

Go for it! I'm still up. :)

Oh good, I was typing so long trying to get what I wanted to say out right (woo, perfectionism at work again). :D

Oh, I forgot to cover the shrooms, but I'm glad they helped you come to grips with it. :D

Edits soon to come is fine; still up! We're watching horror movies now. :)

Responding after my smoke. Just got done eating. :)

Horror movies are always nice. :D -finishes her own pizza-

All righty! Ready to go; sorry for spelling errors or something but we're hammered on whiskey.

Oh my lord; I have to simplify everything you said but "trannier-than -thou-" "gayer-than-thou" that, that "you're not good enough". And they're the loudest voices. And... lord I saw a recent campaign thing about oh so you're "an ally", BS. "You don't know what it's like" so they're not worthy of being counted. And... just I feel like the LGBT+ community is not helping themselves. All massive social change was brought on by moderates. They're just pushing it back.

Yeah. Just. I... Sarah, she's my love. We dated for a few years, but I still when I talk about my sexuality prefer men. But I don't count. I don't "have as much to loose". I'm sorry. I still couldn't have married her, my momma when she saw us kissing gave me the "where did I go wrong" speech. But apparently because I like men too I don't count. I'm not 'gay' enough.

That's. Really amazing. And you will eventually end up getting shafted by someone about sexuality and gender issues. But I'm glad, especially in those classes that you had that. Me and Sarah, we haven't dated in about two years but we still love each other and people will come up to us and go "how long have you been together" "I'm so happy you're confident and open", and I've heard LGBT+ community going; "They shouldn't say anything to me, I'M not that different. Rude fuck who wanted to tell me that they thought I was doing something special." And I think that's rude as fuck for that person, because imho it's not a regular social phenomena. Now the world is getting so much better and they actively try to make sure anyone knows that YES, it's okay. And you be god damn proud.

Imho; there's no such thing as "tried harder to make friends". Yes, as human beings a lot of are hard wire for social contact. But not having any, or having a hard time making that network, isn't a fault.

Thanks for saying that. I asked someone "prominent" in a community of LGBT+ and she asked me to see if I could find someone to talk to, ask about the first few things you feel. She's... the way she was raised was very she doesn't branch out, so she wanted help, and I got chewed out for asking for help on her behalf. It hurt a little.

And yeah, 'cause she does feel that way. And what we sometimes talk about is that she doesn't even have to identify as one sex or one gender. She can switch if she wants. It's just hard to branch out and she's already to begin with insecure about her body. And this guy got pissed at me for asking about... branching out and experimenting with the idea, to see if that actually does make me comfortable. They got so.... mad.... at me. "It's an experiment. It's just a THING." And it's... just... I thought the only way you figured anything out about yourself is to try. And she never went and asked them personally because they treated me like that (too sweet, I keep thinking I DID overstep my bounds).

(- CONTINUED)

I had to pause 'cause my hand is on fire. It's burned to tight skin and hurts and I just want it to stop. It hurts. So much. Friggin' burns. I hate burning sensation. I rem. this one time I was cooking naked because, I just sometimes do and oil jumped out of the pan and burned my tit. I just REALLY hate burning. Got way too many scars (as I'm sure you do) from cooking. x.x

That's good to hear. And I really, really love that you call them war stories because... they are. They really are. So yeah, always open ears. :)

Yeah... it's... just... with how much he hated himself. My... fear... is that he didn't die instantly. That he crumbled to the ground, and was bleeding out thinking 'I deserve this' and that the last face he saw was hateful. That he was coherent (barely or more) when he was tossed into the river and felt the cold seep into him. Found out after a good friends brother died about 2 years ago that it takes 10 minutes for a human body to sink. And I can't look at water in the night time anymore. Just... he was so.. amazing. Jaded, and actually a pretty big asshole, but... amazing. And just. It kills me that he died alone.

Argh! I was typing so long that I got caught by the nightly maintenance and lost the whole thing. So editing will definitely follow.

Edit:
Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyone who says we can achieve all the changes needed to reach equality without allies is simply delusional. We need everyone; be they straight, bisexual, trans, and everyone I haven't even described.

Ugh. Of course you have as much to lose as everyone else. You can't marry a woman in most states of this country if that's who you end up wanting to spend the rest of your life with, in many states you can lose a job for being bisexual, you can lose an apartment. The list goes on. Anyone who thinks you have less to lose simply for being bisexual instead of a lesbian is probably just trying to pump up their own feelings of being a victim.

Yeah, I've been really lucky so far and somebody is really going to try and shaft me at some point. I just try to keep my eyes and ears open to see if I might be able to mitigate the situation when it arises. While I think that what those of us in the LGBT community do isn't that different from what straight folks do, it is important for us to be open and honest about ourselves and our relationships. Maybe by being so we can finally break the stigma that some still attach to us.

True, I am an introvert and there's nothing wrong with that.

I can imagine it hurt. We're supposed to be a community, so shouldn't we encourage those who come seeking information even if it isn't for themselves? Maybe the person who chewed you out had given information before and had it turned against them. That doesn't excuse what they did, but maybe that's the reason.

Experimentation is important. When I started to transition, I was still pretty unsure of myself and wondering if this really was right for me. Turns out it was, but it took me some time to find that for sure. Gender is such a complex thing, and the gender binary just doesn't cover it. If your friend finds that she's genderqueer, bigender, transgender, nongender, or she goes without labels entirely, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd say that I know a friendly online community with all sorts of folks where she could get good advice, but it's pretty dead there now and she'd likely be waiting weeks for an answer. Might be worth a shot, though, and I can ask for her as I'm already a member and the two of you have already had such a poor experience in the past.

Oh yeah, burning sensations really suck. I always hated getting burned more than cutting myself in the kitchen. Here's hoping it heals quickly.

Well, we'll have to get to that subject one day. :)

I really hope your fears are unfounded. I wish I had more to offer than just hugs and words of comfort. :( -offers a hug-

Sad for loosing shit but awesome sauce 'cause you're very smart, do I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Well, thank you! I'm guessing you went to bed while I was re-typing my last reply. So I'll probably be in bed when you start a reply, but I'll be looking forward to it. You're very smart, too, and a joy to talk to. :D

Enkeli; Yeah. I crashed. Just woke up but going back to bed prob. So respond later. Haha.

Mana; I'll properly respond to you too here in a bit. Once I stop being hungover at 4 in the afternoon. I'm such a hot mess. d:

D8
Harlot's hungover again? D:
What happened this time? :o

Hello Arikana!! :D
/waves

Ari; Hello hello. And just regular Sunday night drinking. Woke up pretty fine but like an idiot I took shots of rum before falling asleep again. I'm a poster child for smart ideas. So now I feel sick as balls.

Mana; I swear I'm working up to it. Just blargh. Haha.

@Mana: Hello again! :)

@Harlot: Lol, you should stop drinking as much. I guarantee you'll feel better if you do. ;)
*tries to lure you to 'the good side' of drinking* o3o

I've cut down considerably. Only drink on the weekends. d: I just have to make up for the rest of the days of the week.

will be edited with other replies

Mana; Yeah. I've never failed a class before in my life. Ever. And then I fail all of them, for two semesters. (I stopped going to school.)

That sucks, the timing and everything and the suckiness of the days of letters. (Tho' I kinda miss getting them.) I will say I've gotten lucky, I've managed to find one or two people on FB now that I'm older. The rest are gone to the winds.

Haha, sadly no. They get worse every year but hey, it's my lot in my life. I'm just glad I don't have to take pills anymore, but it also means I can't stand for more than an hour at a time if that, no running or speed walking. Def. no sports, no more walks, etc. etc. etc. I mean, this is going to go away too, but my friends promised to let me get hammered and they roll my ass around town in the wheelchair.

Def. I have so many pictures from like YEARS ago and I vainly cling to the 'glory days'. Haha.

I like that quote.

Yeah, that is the good part of moving. I've been to so many places growing up, and I think I'm better for it.

Enkeli;

Yeah... just... sometimes I just want to throttle the gay community and shove that sass right back up where the sun don't shine. Sarah, my bff and ex, hates participating in just about any gay related community activity. She just gets angry.

I hate to agree with that, but that's right. It's insane how suffering is a game. I have it worse than you thus- thus what? Not like they're giving out cash prizes for being most miserable.

Too true. I'm already baffled by how much has changed within the last few years alone.

Yes if you could that'd be great. I brought it up to her and she's all for it. :)

Now both of my hands have nice scars. My left hand, across 3 knuckles the top part of the grill on a panini machine slammed down on it. And know my right knuckles have a nice clean line from the racks in the oven. I'm so talented. It's okay tho', the pizza was worth it.

<3 Thanks. And I hope they are too. But... knowing how life worked for him, and us. He got shafted. Stupid too 'cause it wasn't the first time he was shot. I guess you only get lucky once. And it helps just to talk about him. For years I had no one to talk to, no one but Sarah knew him and she wasn't the... sharing grieving type. So I had to fend for myself. And not knowing where the grave is... just nothing.

Oh wow how old was that??

Hmm Yeah , I know how that feels >.< Ah , I see hahaXD so far I have not really found them but I only got a few from when Im 12 years old. They added me I guess? But we werent that close.. Yeah gone with the wind! LOL

Oh wow that sucks >.< If you were to sit of wheelchair how long would that be?? I had a friend , she had some problem with her legs I think.. She needed to be wheel-chaired everytime. She was skinny at that time and kinda pretty too but because of the wheelchair she put on weight and cant grow I think.. Which is pretty sad..

Haha I see. I had pictures of when I was a kid and those were pictures I really love. hahaxd

Hmm Yeah! hahaXD

I agree with ya.

That's a lot of drinking for two days in a week of seven. :o

Mana; How old was what? :)

And you can always make new friends, so that's good too.

And permanently. What I have is not going to get any better. It's not an "IF" I'm in a wheelchair, it's a "WHEN". And yeah, there's a lot of problems and muscle therapy you gotta do if you end up in a chair. I am not looking froward to it.

I think everyone has some fond pictures of themselves as children. It's just hard for me to find ones I like of myself as an adult. I was an adorable child so I have no problems with those. xD;

Arikana; Tell me about it. I'm shocked I can even get drunk anymore. But hey at least it's split between two people. Not so bad? Right? >.>

Depends, I still think you drink to much. XD
Of the times I have drank a lot of alcohol, I've never gotten drunk. One of those times was when I was fifteen years old. XD So it's probably safe to say that I have a pretty high tolerance for the stuff that I rarely drink cause I still can't get used to its acquired taste. XD

I don't go drinking a lot the most I had was 2 12 oz bottles of Smirnoff malt liquor. Then at another time it was a cup of this melon, orange juice vodka mixture. But I never go overboard because I have a low tolerance to alcohol

-drags self through entire thread-