I can't blame you for not wanting to copy/paste, it's there for me to go back and read. :D

Yeah, I'm just trying to not let me perfectionism drive me mad for having gotten B's. Maybe it will help to finally break that old habit of punishing myself for perceived failures. Here's hoping.

It is a good job. It would be nice if I worked more than two nights a week, but the full-time night auditor isn't likely to quit now (he's been there for years). Still, it and my veteran's benefits keep me afloat while I'm in school, so I'm doing alright. :D

My tiny erotica stories are the only writing I've done in over a year, but they help keep me writing (and they help keep me sane). So they're practice at least.

I'll probably spend quite a bit of time there this intersession. Thank you for pointing it out to me. :D

Oof. Tempting, so tempting. I'm just afraid that I might lose control if I started drinking again. Things have changed for the better since I quit, and I wouldn't be using it as a self-medication to avoid my problems anymore but I'm still not sure. I'll have to give it some thought. Even if I did start drinking again I'd probably have to avoid my old favorite of Chartreuse on the rocks. o-o

Edit: Batty, if you want pumpkin vodka you can probably make some that would be better than store bought anyway. I once flavored a bottle of vodka with apple, cinnamon, and clove by pouring the vodka over the flavorings in a pitcher. Stir it once a day until you're satisfied with the flavor, and then filter out all the solids using a coffee filter in a funnel. When I did that, I also had a roommate who was crazy enough to eat one of the apple slices that had spent a week sitting in vodka.

You know how I said I'd try to come around at least once every (other) day?
I think I lied.

I think you definitely lied.

Wait? Lio's a finn? :D

And yes Finn's are. Here baarikärpänen -eppu normaali ; My lullaby as a child. My dad just had his birthday party; I told you. And it was insane. We had a live band play this in our backyard.

PUPMKIN SPICE. Oh bby. I wish I could be there. I would make you the most delicious drinks. :)

Lio; I try not to mix too many liquors (and not a fan of tequila; too sweet? Ya know.) But I am a dark liquor fan. But certain things just WORK with tea.

I know right! I still can't decide on my favorite tea. I have an ACTUAL thing of Lady Grey. The one where you gotta pouch it yourself or have one of those fancy tea dippers.

Sorry, Batty bum. :c I've been busy.

NUUU! KAUN! xDD; I'm just... Pagan. WE HAVE MEAD?!?!

....


Not as good as the hard stuff, though.
Last year for my birthday, I got SO trashed. xD;
I fell asleep on the potty naked. Don't even know.

You fell asleep... on the toilet... naked. Sounds like somebody had a fun birthday.

WHY YES, YES I DID!


Right after Zane made me laugh so hard I rolled around on the floor for twenty minutes, and whacked my skull into the coffee table.

Twice. Didn't feel it, laughed even HARDER.

Dema; Filthy liar. :)

Enkeli; No trust me I'm the same way. I was an OBSESSIVE student for awhile. I realized it was making mental health issues so I've tried to ease up on myself. I used to get pissed at 97's instead of 100's. The f's are yes, because of situations out of my control.

My imho belief is ANY writing, is good. And helps. Just keep writing. Never stop.

Good. I love the site so. :)

Haha, yeah. Then don't, if it's better. Then don't. I mean I know I'm an alcoholic (well, borderline now). I've had A LOT of problems with alcohol but it's gotten better and I can still drink. I drink way too much. Lordy me and drinking have a fun history.

Battybby; Next, next birthday I'll be there and you'll just fall asleep trashed with me.

(Tho' I understand. Fallen asleep in the shower several times, and fallen asleep on bathroom tiles.)

Helsinski Harlot: Yeah, yeah I know. :c

Okay correction: You had a REALLY fun birthday.

Kaunsenkeli; Most of my grades are B's. Though every semester I get at least one teacher that just gives you a C regardless of the work you put into it.

Helsinki; I'm not Finnish. o_o My ancestors were Italian, German, English, Welsh/Irish(Dad's side and he hasn't giving me information).
>_> I had two Long Island tea's with all that, PLUS two large drinks (A mudslide and a bahama mama). I drove... But we did this over 4 or 5 hours.

Harlotbby;; HELL YEAH! I'm not ... doing anything for my birthday this year. At all. I gave it up because of money restrictions, and wanted the family to have a Christmas. So, nadda next Friday is happenin'. Unless someone has something up their sleeve that I'm unaware of.

Dema;; Ohh yeah. It was the big 21! I think between both Zane and myself, we must have polished off an entire bottle of rum, half a bottle of vodka, and.. a bunch of other shit I can't remember. xD; I EVEN PRANCED AROUND OUTSIDE IN A TUTU!

Lio; I was wondering who Batty was referring to. I thought I was the only Finn in the thread. xD:

Dema; We'll forgive you as long as you stick to it this time. ;]

Batty- Mead? I tried that once. Interesting stuff. :)
My (non-religious) spiritual practice is pagan. Why does being pagan preclude you from flavoring vodka?

Helsinki; Sorry lol. I be not Finnish. I think it would be cool. I had one guy say I looked Russian, or at very least Eastern European. But all my family was from Western Europe. -Nods- I also was told I look Asian. o_O

How is being Pagan non-religious? xD; In my practice, I'm VERY religious with it. I mean, not like.. hardcore crazy Christian/Catholic/Whatever religious, but.. yeah. xD;

Batty: I thought the tutu thing was standard fare for you, tho. xD

Helsinski Harlot: I'll try. D:

AND WITH THAT, I MUST GO TO BED. And hope that waking up at 4 AM will be less painful after the IV drip of caffeine starts.

Dema;; Well.. yeah! But this was drunk tutu dancing!..err prancing. And twirling and spinning around like a complete lunatic.

..

Which I guess is also standard for me. xD;

WELL! OFF TO GET NEKKID IN THE SHOWER.

Thank the GODS. I have been DYING to get in there for an hour now. xD;
Be back soon, lovelies!

Pssssssst! HARLOT, ILL TEXT YOU.

The song I just linked. My LULLABY when I was a kid. That ALL Finn's know- X

Vague English translation;

The bar fly bit me, but why grieve over it?
Years ago I found the medicine to take care of the bite,
Underneath a cognac bottle and underneath the happy stars,
I've had this good feeling since then,

If you can't see my cheeks from behind, where's the problem?
Social welfare should've taken care of me,
'Cause the wine goes into your cheeks (posket; mouth) first and then to your brain,
And from there it hits your arms and the rest of your body

(CHORUS) So ryyppäämään [/ the VERB for "getting hammered"] , ryyppäämään, every morning we're sännätään[/ a quick sprinting movement to a goal. Like the rush that happens when people go shop for Black Friday.]
And when the day is over we're just going to get more hammered. [kännätään; another verb for being hammered, it literally means being shit faced drunk]
I want to be juovuksissa [/ another verb for being drunk; means more 'sloshed' and 'under the influence]all days as well as Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

The Police are known to 'slap me around'
They take me from the yard with their bar fly swatters,
Oh if I could just stay at the bar and fall asleep here,
Because all of my human rights have slipped away from me

(CHORUSx2)

And somewhere right now, they're plotting the rise of alcohol prices
I sit at the bar and thirst for revenge,
But it's not worth it to jump around "on all four" [/ cripple yourself to the ground yourself]
It's already far too easy for others to pick my wings off

(CHORUS x2)

o_o In ways, that lullaby is rather disturbing....

My lullabies were about sleeping babes in cribs floating in clouds. Or some such silly thing.

I would love to try cognac. -Thinks.- I should go to the store for some more drinks.

:D I'm spiritual pagan. Don't follow any books and set things but I'm of that area. Yay.


And damn it Batty! As much as I love you naked I wanted you to read the translation of the song! I just spent forever, trying to translate a language drunk! And now you leave! D:

Batty- It's non-religious for me. I'm really not sure I have a good explanation for it. xD

Lio- Ugh, I hate hard-ass professors who are never pleased with anyone's work. :p-angry:

Helsinki- Yeah, it's definitely an impulse I need to get rid of. That's why I've finished so few stories. Instead of editing, I just scrap the whole thing because I think it's rubbish that doesn't deserve to exist. :s-ugh:

True, true. Any writing is practice. I don't know why I always get weird about my tiny erotica stories. Especially since they keep me going and help me stay sane while my body keeps going nuts for sexual contact that isn't likely to happen anytime soon.

I probably will stay away, despite my curiosity. I'm sure that I'd have more control these days, but I just don't know. Two years ago, very early in the major changes that have helped improve my life, I just found myself going into liquor stores but being unable to find anything I wanted to drink. Then one day I just stopped visiting the stores. It wasn't even a complete intention to quit, it just happened that way.

Oof, I'm glad to hear that you've at least gotten more control over your drinking. Hopefully you're able to keep doing what you enjoy while keeping it under control. -offers a hug-

Let's drag her from the shower back to the thread?

Kaunisenkeli; It's those professors that make me want to take the frying pan and start hitting people. I've gotten one every freaking semester. Never fails. I don't know what I do to get them, but I do.

Lio; There's a certain way..... that Finn's are. It's hard to describe unless you've hung out with a raised Finn. Like, not someone who just has heritage but you have to be from the area. We're interesting people. But yeah, that was my lullaby. I could sing all the words to it at like 3. :)

Sleeping cloud babies. Good lullabies. Like I said, we're a weird bunch. And my family especially.

Cognac is actually not one of my favorites. It's a sweeter skotch and it's a sipping liquor. You dont' mix it and you have to have the right glass for it. Very harsh. Cognac smells a lot more like gasoline than skotch or whiskey. But they're all from the same family as far as I understand. But give it a shot!

Lio- I doubt it's anything you did or do. Some people just love being assholes because they can be. :s-ugh:

I don't know awesome people. My area has a lot of Italian decedents.

I feel so normal @_@

Kaunisenkeli; I know it's just her. The only problem I have with it is that i am trying to graduate. It's the only class that stands between me and graduation.

Enkeli; Oh I know the feelings. x.x The only reason I'm even going so far with this story is because someone else gave me the topic, so I feel like no matter what I HAVE to finish it for them. (Tho' they haven't contacted me in awhile. ): I'm worried about them. )

I figure it's the same way that people get shy about having kinks or just being sexual period. There's so much stupid stigma around being sexual and creatively sexual.

Huh, well that's good. That at least you hit some weird point where you couldn't. For me, I became an alcoholic when few years ago boyfriend died. Couldn't stop drinking. Slowed down... currently since then. I drank every day for almost a little over a year, slowed down for a bit, was forced to cut down but I had x, and shrooms and acid while I couldn't drink, and then I could drink again (by environment) and drank just about every day. It's slowed down now to the point where I only drink on the weekends (tho' I go through two handles with my bff every weekend). But I'm not... it doesn't affect my life harshly anymore? I still drink A TON. But I'm no longer.... abusive about it. I just got tot he point where I like to have a drink and can hold my liquor. And I hope that stays.

I go in spells of drinking a lot. But I never get drunk.

Helsinki- Well, at least you've got a reason to press on with this one, and I hope the person you're writing it for is okay. I hate it when people vanish from contact because I always end up worrying about them, even if I barely know them (and even though I've been guilty of vanishing from contact from time to time :s-ugh:).

Yeah, we're definitely a strange society when it comes to sexuality. All this outdated false morality that just refuses to die. My problems stem from having a hatred of how my body expresses itself sexually at the present time. White text for anyone who wants to read it: (long story short: I'm a pre-operative transsexual, and I just don't like what's there)

It was definitely a point I was lucky to reach, and almost didn't so many times (I've lost track of how many times I ought to have died but didn't).

I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. :(
I am glad you seem to be gaining control over the drinking and you aren't letting it conquer your life, though. I'll be hoping you maintain, and perhaps expand, your control. :D

I had a close friend who lived in Alaska. He never really wrote much, and so I didn't worry when I wouldn't hear from him for awhile. One day on Facebook I saw people posting "RIP" back December of last year. I googled his name and found not only his obituary, but the call log from the state troopers saying he committed suicide, gunshot to the head on December 25th. I just found out last month. His family never told me, though they've known him and I were friends.

SORRY! POOFED FOR A BIT. Had to go chain smoke. Now replying.

Lio- I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and that you had to find out via FB and Google. His family shouldn't have kept it from you if they knew you were friends.

Eww smokes.

I have to turn heat on. Won't take too long.

Haha yeah. I just have the worst feelings because she was.... really sick. Like terminal sick. And I wanted to get the story done before timeline got a hold of it, but she got sicker and poofed, came back for a bit and never got back to me after our last correspandance. So no matter what, the least I can do is get this story done.

I'll white text it just in case you don't want it openly talked about [/spent 2 minutes trying to figure out how to white text] I don't have personal experience in that but I've had relations with people who have gender/sex things going on. Hell one of my ex's is working through same type of issues. I've gotten to the point where I don't recognize (when with a person) physical sex body but what they identify as. So talk about it all you want. :)

I know how that feels. I've... haha. Oh lord. Looking back. So many things that I've done. Or tried to do. Just blows my mind. Shameful admission; almost drowned in my own vomit one night if it hadn't been for Sarah.

Thank you. It's... it's been, well, when July hits 4 years. I think about him every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up and almost every second of the day. He... made me better. He helped me stop hurting myself. It's... not just because I loved him but he saw something in me that I didn't. And I told myself well, even if I don't think it's true now, maybe I can become this strong, amazing person he sees. I will get better. I will become stronger. First male I've ever had as a role model. He was actually murdered. (I got a tattoo for him I'll link in a bit.)

I am. I got... really bad. A friend of mine told me recently that if I hadn't quit with my binge when I did (another tattoo I'm gonna show in abit) they wanted to have an intervention. But... just because someone dies doesn't mean you get to stop living for what they stood for. It's hard. But I'm trying. :)

Lio; That's... fuckin' awful. -tight hug- Complete and total... just. That's... shit. If I'm not over-stepping boundaries; I've had that a few too many times. One of my friends popped himself a few years ago, and that.... just it's normal for them not to talk to you and it coming out of nowhere? What I've been talking about with Enkeli; Jon, he. He had to take care of his mom (she had MS) and he had to make ends meet. So he had a ton of stuff to do. So it was normal to hear from him. And then out of the blue I get the phone call, weeks after he's dead, because Sarah decided to finally call to check up on him. We wouldn't have known otherwise. You have it worse, because of the amount of time, but there's still... oh love. -hugs- I know it fucked me over and I hope your brain and emotions are doing okay. ):

And yeah smokes. xD;;; I know it's grody but well. d: How does anyone every explain why they smoke cigarettes?

Thanks Kaunsenkeli. I was really pissed about it. Especially since his mom seemed to like me.

Helsinki: -Hugs back.- Thanks. I just don't' know where it came from. and on Christmas. Last I had heard from him he was fine. He was doing some new things, welding and such. He had the divorce from his bitch-wife. He had even talked me out of my depression a few times. Told me how it wasn't worth it to kill yourself. That's what really hit me. He never let me even get there. And he just ... Croni warned me to not look at the report, except silly me was trying to find out what happened. I thought he was in an accident..

Tattoo pics under cut that I was talking about;

That's all very pretty. I've wanted a tattoo, but don't know of what or where. I know it needs to be somewhere I can easily hide for the purpose of the professional fields and being hired. But at the same time, I know that it is becoming more accepted.

I'm SUCH A BLABER MOUTH. I'M SORRY. Just feeling very passionate tonight and don't know how to shut my face hole. Lio; You know I used to think that you were't allowed to feel anger at anything when a person passed? I've gotten better about that. But you should have been pissed. Thrown a few stones into car windshields. That was messed up of the family. Finding out after the fact, when you're supposed to be that close to them. Makes you want to scream.

I already like this guy you're talking about. Reminds me of Jon. I actually freaked for a bit because other than the details... Jon's life was... last time we talked getting better. And then we don't talk for awhile and... this is my relation to the not knowing and waiting. I had the best birthday of my life, July 1st. [Relation to special time trauma; which fuckin' sucks. He died end of July. SO that x-mas timing. Just. -holds you tight-] Sarah was going to get to come to Finland with me. I could finally show someone where I was from. I got a laptop with a webcam, and my grandma bought a web stick so I could get wifi anywhere in Finland. I went into my summer thinking that I could show Jon by proxy where I'm from. I'd been in Finland 2 weeks, and hell. I remember the page of the book I was reading that day. Get a text from Sarah to my mom saying "[my name]needs to call me when she can. It's important." And... I'm not going to recount the phone call. But he'd already been two weeks dead. And i was just... things were SUPPOSED to be okay.

Anyway; he sounds like an amazing, wonderful, human being. I can't imagine the specific feeling you guys had but I know loss, and it is friggin' awful. And the reason I got on my soap box is because I don't know what to say that might help, because been in the damn shoes and still don't know what people should say to me.

I... I , fuck. I don't. It probably would'- no. I can't even say that. Argh. I don't want to side rail to me, but it's the only way I know how to talk? Is to relate to my own experiences. Ju- ARGH. I dont want to be intensive or. Well. Okay. I almost said, it probably would've been better for you not to look at the report. For the trauma factor. But.... at the same time. I'm... the side that never did? Jon... when he died. It took me half a year ('cause I was gone out of my head) to try and FIND an obituary. Find any article... or proof... that he was shot and tossed in a river. Seems like that'd make news. Sarah... when she called to check up on Jon, was too shocked to ask for where his grave is. So on one hand... if... if I got the details. A part of me would ease... and it would help because my imagination is awful. But, at the same time... it might be better that I don't know the details. See the report. It's. Argh. Fucked up.

Sudden death is just shit all around. And it's so friggin' hard to move past it and I am so sorry you had to live through that. Hell. I'm even more sorry that your friend had to have that happen to him. From the few words you said about him, he deserved so much more. Such a better future. Not something cut so short. I just want to make you tea, and home made food, and make you a blanket fort.