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That's my favorite stanza. First stanza's my second favorite :|
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Paramnesia
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it's been 7 months
no one cares about you anymore https://pm1.narvii.com/6687/3d5c4ca8...06b255b_hq.jpg anyway, i'm a big fan of the pacing of this one. the start of "divest" 3 lines, "divest" 3 lines, sets up an expectation that quickly falls apart as the number of lines get shorter and sound more frantic, then suddenly lines upon lines are dumped like overflowing thoughts and desperate hands trashing all of the subjects away. then, the breakdown into single words becomes a beautiful grasp at the last remnants to be destroyed. my favorite line is "A dark wet mask on a decapitated puppet that does not consent" i give it a solid uuhhhhhhh 82.8 out of 86.7 |
I was very proud of that line after it spontaneously occurred to me. >__>
Though, perhaps not quite so enamored of it as the previous line about the pigs. <__< |
This was certainly fun to read. Some parts seem to make more sense if you read them backwards.
Or perhaps, make a different kind of sense, like backwards logorithmically expressed love. |
Judas and the Valkyrie
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"an undead philosopher clutching a blank banner"
me "the meaning of all the universe in soaking white" my favorite line tbh "another casualty of conception" also me "an artificial limb choking its host" me next plz, ty |
You asked Galla to ask me to comment on what I thought of this poem, so here goes.
I thought your usage of dark language was appropriate for the type of poem it was and conveyed your meaning well enough. However, like in most of your work, your use of less-common vocabulary is going to leave the modern everyman in the dust in terms of cognizant understanding of the intent of the work. It would be a far more poignant statement if you were to use language most people could actually understand without having to yank out a dictionary, which ruins the flow of the piece. Even so, the depressed state of this particular work is quite clear, even if it's not my cuppa. However, I think it could have benefitted from a simpler language, and a few punchy lines to get your meaning across. Other than that, great job. ^^ |
I would direct you to the easily-overlooked line
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So, I'd say I agree with you, the poem being opaque and borderline impenetrable is part of the metaphor. Or put more bluntly, modern everypersons are my sworn enemy. :| |
Use it or lose it. The average layperson can darn well improve their vocabulary or we all sink into linguistic oblivion as the lowest common denominator gets lower and lower.
I'd say something on the poem except that my comprehension is somewhat dulled right now from spending the last day ill. I feel I could have a chat with that messiah, though. |
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like i know the average person is dumb and all, but after a point you have to wonder if it's a linguistic abomination trying to take hold or just, you know, language doing what it do anyway i spell it 'mischievious' despite knowing it's incorrect cuz i'm an asshole have a nice day |
I'm not doing the words thing well, so I'm just going to say that I really feel this one.
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Considering what was going through my head when I was writing it, I'm not convinced that's remotely a good thing. :X
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Not being quite as intellectually challenge as previously I find that, while reading this, I tend to flip between metaphorical references and images of today's political environment.
Is the blank, white banner of the universe showing that it's empty of meaning, or is a sign of surrender from the messiah holding it? or both. Is the event-horizon tinged red from emotional disturbance or reference to a "sunset" of the universe, or are we talking political "reds?" or both. Maybe the last messiah holding the empty banner of his opinion is drowned under media "fake news!" and not quite dead for the lingering spirit of a diseased cognition that come with having been born in the first place. Did I just get weird? |
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Taking Ari's advice, I have written a far more accessible poem. :)
Cave-In |
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