he remained standing there absolutely still but for a hand against felix's head, stroking the man's hair until the song was over at which point he found himself sinking down to felix's level, "i am so sorry, i love you so much but i could never give you a child"

He looked into the earth staring back at him. They had spoke about this many times. The professor knew about the biological implications, the family honor and every reason the boy always shook his head. Gently stroking the chin he kissed Zosa on his forehead. "I know." He said softly.

there was silence after that and though it was melancholic it was not a bad silence an it gave him time to reflect and come to an understanding

His hopes of finding more exotic creatures like the frog, was quickly fading instead he was content to have Zosa's hand as they walked in silence. It was broken by the other clearing his throat and asking him politely if they could wait until they got back to Mars before getting married. The professor paused. The question was answered only by the professor curling his finger into his chin in thought. He was not sure he wanted to go back to Mars. They would have two houses here on earth. Going back only meant facing all of his failures again. He turned to Zosa. “Is that really what you want?”

shaking his head he tightened his grip on the hand captured in his, "no, what i want is to have been engaged back on the maialynne so that you and i would be married now but i love you more than i love the idea of being married and i know you need more time. i will do this because it would be the best thing for you, felix. i love you"

Many times his mouth opened, only to close again with out a sound. His eyes found the ground before he could speak again. “Zosa, what if I do not want to go back to space? There is nothing on Mars say for a contractor waiting to develop it. He closed his eyes thinking of the view from space, his first love. How red the planet was, as if it were pulsing with rivers of blood. The other thing caught him off guard. “I am sorry Zosa, I was not ready for the emotional attachment. … “He brought the hand to his lips. Softly speaking he said “I do love you.”

he felt tight-throated at the weight behind the man's words as much as the cruelty of words themselves though and frowning pulled the other to him in a hug, "i am so sorry. you don't have to go to space either and i am so sorry i am rushing you, just- j-just let's pretend i did not say anything ok? it will be like it did not happen..."

He didn't understand why the other was so upset except it was his fault. Rather in facing the eventual tears that made him a bastard, the professor simply opened his mouth, closed it turned and walked away.

it was a hundred and thirty-seven minutes before he could hear the return crunch of shoes over the forest floor. it was another three before he could muster up enough willpower to look up at the man and through the blurry lenses of his tears he could see the other staring down at him and shamed by it he put his head back down again and went back to counting

Saying nothing he let Zosa have his catharsis. In his walk he realized there was nothing he could say, not with out the other assuming the worse. Eventually the professor found himself sitting beside Zosa, his finger curled into his mouth in silence.

he was not quite on six more minutes for a total of a hundred forty-six but he could not have it with the other looming so close and turning his head just enough to see the other he offered an apology though for what exactly he could not even guess despite all the things he had said to be sorry over

Shaking his head he could not accept the apology. He grabbed the boys chin. “Zosa, no, we are not buying a house, we are not staying in russia. Tomorrow we are catching a train to Greece, we are going to the little chapel and before your family, the pope and god we are going to be married. “ He blinked taking a sharp breath. “Lets go home and pack.” With that he rose, unfurling his limbs and letting go.

Shaking his head he could not accept the apology. He grabbed the boys chin. “Zosa, no, we are not buying a house, we are not staying in russia. Tomorrow we are catching a train to Greece, we are going to the little chapel and before your family, the pope and god we are going to be married. “ He blinked taking a sharp breath. “Lets go home and pack.” With that he rose, unfurling his limbs and letting go.


when the hand left him so did his sadness and he found that all that was left was anger, anger and resentment. staying where he was he moved his arm to slam his fist into the dirt, "NO." turning his face up he offered the blackest look he could, "no!, i refuse, you don't want to get emotionally attached and i don't want to lose you for it. i won't marry someone who does not want to marry me, it isn't fair to either of us and i don't want to drive you away! you are not listening felix, i love you, i really and truly do and i don't want to hurt you just to get my way, i don't want to kill you like that fucking bastard joshua just to be able to say you are mine and be able to prove it, i don't ever want to make you do that!.....you are not a trophy, you are a human being who deserves to be happy"

Shaking his head despite the boys anger he grabbed his arm. Pulling him out of his crouch he tried to march them towards the house. Biting back his emotions he pulled Zosa as far as the angry boy would go with out striking him. “And you are not listening to me.” He said finally turning around and looking into the angry eyes. “If the only token I can give to you the prove my emotions is a grand display of commitment they why are we waiting? … I..” His voice broke “I will always be afraid Zosa, but if it is a life of uncertainty and forever I would … Its now or never, because I can not live with out you.” His hands graced over the boys ringed finger before closing around it.

he was torn between hitting the professor and pulling him so close that the man could never escape, instead he did neither, instead he only covered the tattooed hand with his free one, "the funny thing is felix.... the only thing that can cure my fears is the very thing that causes yours... not matter what i will not stop loving you and if you ever stop loving me i won't force you to stay, i wont keep you with me like a broken toy and i won't discard you for anyone else, hell felix there isn't anyone else"

Once again his hand squeezed Zosa's as his head fell forward resting on Zosa's shoulder. His body was shaken yet the tears would not fall. "Then will a ring be enough?" He asked in the smallest of voices.